The Dreamer Who Forgot How To Dream

And old writing from college… to remind me to not let myself slip back to this hazy life of numbness and lack of passion and drive.

THE DREAMER WHO FORGOT HOW TO DREAM

Like a broken mirror,
A dirty window,
Nothing is clear.
A split of the picture,
An obstructed view.
No idea is complete.
No idea is known.
I'm at a wall,
Too weak to climb,
Too tired to find the end.
So I sit down and face the brick barrier -
Maybe it will crumble under my gaze -
And I am instructed:
To bide my time,
I count the bricks up,
One, two, three...

How trite.
How tedious.
How utterly useless.
But it's what I must do.
When I tire of that,
I trace the lines.
Left to right, up to down.
How repetitive.
How ridiculous.
How mind numbing and dull.
I'm wasting away,
Counting, tracing,
Losing hope.
Writing, reading -
What are those?
Painting, singing -
I used to know.

Yet today I have forgotten.
My mind filled with cobwebs
From counting and tracing.
But it's what they told me to do.
And so I sit a little longer,
Burning out, growing weaker.
Everyday hazed by a veil,
Going through the motions,
Losing the big picture,
And stare at the wall.

And so time goes on.
I forget more and more
As I conform to their demands.
I once had drive -
I once had dreams -
What they were - I cannot recall.
All I want to do
Is curl up and hide.

Like a covering veil,
A cheap machine,
Nothing makes much sense.
A clouded view,
Programmed, emotionless days.
Nothing seems real,
Nothing seems important.
It's just a dream -
Not good,
not bad,
But it's all an illusion.
The fuzzy images float by.
I look and squint, straining,
But cannot make out or recognize.
They pass by me
On my left, my right,
And sometimes through.
I reach out for one:
An angel in a flowing gown.
She glows, smiles, clasps her hands.
But, like the wind,
She moves on and slips out of my grasp.
One by one,
My dreams glide by.
And like a dream,
Once past me,
It's like the waking hour
And I can't quite remember.
One by one,
My dreams glide by,
And slowly I forget.
Who are they?
What were they?
Why can't I remember?

And so time goes on,
I forget more and more
As I let it slip by.
I once had drive -
I once had dreams -
What they were - I cannot recall.

I used to be a dreamer,
Goals, hopes, wishes.
But today I've forgotten
Who I am,
What I'm about.
All I want to do
Is curl up and dream,
But I am the dreamer,
Who forgot how to dream.
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