It’s Not Quite a Horoscope…

…but it feels equally as generic, in concept. And yet…

I stumbled across another blog ages ago – so long ago that I cannot even remember which site it was – that talked about a book she called very “woo woo,” as in, New Agey and maybe even sprinkled with some Hocus Pocus. But the blogger also mentioned that she was shocked at how relevant the book seemed to be, pinpointing things in her life that were accurate.

My library had it, so I figured I might as well check it out. And so I got the ebook version of Dan Millman’s The Life You Were Born to Live: a Guide to Finding Your Life Purpose. The concept is that, based solely on your birth date, you can determine what your biggest challenges in life are, your strengths, weaknesses, relationship highs and lows, and potential. Millman then provides some pages on helping you work through your challenges and weaknesses (based, of course, just on your birthday.)

I decide to read the book all the way through, even the sections that are not “relevant” to my birth date, to see if it all seems to be partially true – as often horoscopes will be so absurdly generic that they could fit anyone. And yes, to an extent, I read a lot of sections and a handful of things jump out as, “sure, that could maybe be me.”

But then I reach the section that is for me, and I nearly cry at the idea that, ‘someone gets me!” Oh the truths that were spoken to me!  Perhaps I am unique in the coincidence of my chapter resonating so strongly with me, but it is rather odd.

And, per my “life path,” one of my big struggles is in expressing myself. Millman suggest journaling as one possible method for releasing the pent up thoughts and emotions. Since it has been two years since I last wrote here, I thought this may be an opportune time to revisit my old site, and type with some free flow about the book, as I re-read it.

I was going to transcribe the parts from the book that resonated with me and jumped out, but there are just too many!  I will instead just focus on one: honest communication.

Millman talks about how people “working the 3 path” (meaning, based on the calculations of the birth date, one of the numbers you get is 3, and thus a part of your path is work on Sensitivity and Expression) may have under- or over-expressive issues before they find balance. I know for most of my life, I was a doormat. I wouldn’t speak up for myself, I would just bottle things up and burn with inner anger and fire. It would inevitably come out later at the wrong time, to the wrong person. I was often very volatile  with my family.  Over the years, I have come to realize that I can’t keep it in — but the pendulum has actually made a grand sweep the other way, and too far. I try to keep quiet or think of good ways to bring up issues, but I am finding more and more that tact is lacking, and I just blurt out whatever is “wrong” in my view, with what someone is doing. It is not a low-blow attack, no name calling or insults, but an absolutely blunt “here’s what you’re doing that I find annoying, now stop it” with seemingly no compassion, nor acknowledgement that whatever the person was doing may have been done with good intentions.

This is my current hurdle. To find a way to balance being open and honest in my communication, with honoring the other person and being kind and gracious.

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Find Your Port

Feeling very lost today.  I suppose it could easily be blamed on the hormones, poor sleep, and bad foods from last night causing me to feel bloated and gross.  But I have been fighting this depression for the last month, without understanding its source.

A quote today I came across:

If we do not know what port we’re steering for, no wind is favorable. –Seneca

I have been trying to be open to the universe, let life guide me.  Prior to that, I tried to dictate every aspect of my life, figure out a plan, and fight for a future.  Neither option seems to be fulfilling lately.  Both leave me feeling just as lost and pathless as the other.  And unhappy.

How do you find your port in the middle of the raging waters?

Am I Just Wanting To Run?

About  a month ago, I was unsettled.

Even though I was settling in to a new home, new job, new life…. I was unsettled.  I was finally planting some roots and bearing fruit – the home was getting clean and beautiful.  The job is exciting and new, and I feel like I can help people.  My husband is the sweetest person in the world to have come with me and faced this challenge head on.

So why was I bothered?

I reached out to some friends, and asked:

“Lately, even having just moved overseas 3 months ago, I can’t figure out why I’m bummed and getting the itchy feet again to travel already. And that’s stupid – I am in a cool place with a cool job. But I saw a friend’s post that she was reading the book The Lost Girls, and then learned that’s actually a blog about 3 friends who dropped their lives in NY and did a round-the-world trip together.

And I was insanely jealous! I don’t know if I just don’t want to be “forced” to work and want a nice long vacation, if I’m just romanticizing the idea of seeing new cultures, if I am just trying to run from something within that I don’t want to or know how to deal with, or if I truly DO just want to see India and Africa and everywhere else! Maybe I really DO want to stay at an Ashram in India, or ride elephants in Thailand, and volunteer with people in the Philippines! I don’t *think* it’s about running away, but wanting to run towards different ways of living and explore more of what this globe has to offer!

But of course, my husband is the kind who would be totally content to just stay in the same city all the time, he’s simply happy to just be at home with me. It’s super sweet, but he doesn’t get me when I start talking about travel…”

The wise advice of my friends was to remember that my new home IS my new world adventure!  At least for now!  I have an entire island to explore, with new cultures, foods, festivities, and people.  I should use this place as a starting point for my explorations.  So we spent the weekend exploring – we tried paddle boarding, went to a new Thai restaurant, and hiked up the “mountain” here to watch the sun set.

I think part of my issue was also Hubby’s talk of wanting to get a dog. While I understand the benefits of having a good guard dog (for the house, for jogging) I think it just made me feel too tied down. I DO want to do a RTW trip some day, and a dog won’t fit in to that picture.  I think I had a fear that he was going to push for a dog and that was going to tie me down too much. So we’ve been talking about that a lot, too.

But then the other day, my mom shared with me the newest video of the Where The Hell Is Matt? series – where he travels the world dancing in different countries.  And again my heart ached to be out there.  I loved the smiling faces, the carefree dancing, and the unique dress of the cultures.  I was so excited that I had to share it with Hubs!

He watched quietly, then, with genuine curiosity and confusion, asked, “why do you to do that?  I don’t get it.  People are people – these are just more people with different clothing.  Why do you want to go live out of a backpack where they are instead of live out of a house here?”

And I had no answer.

My whole being seemed to fill with the sense of why I wanted to, but I had no words to explain it.  I just wish I could have sent the emotion to him, to see if he’d understand.  The idea of freedom, of new sights, new tastes.  I tried my best to stumble over my words – where can I ride an elephant if not out there?  Where can I participate in the colorful Holi event, if not in India?  How can I help the starving in Kenya if I am here, where calories run abundant?

But why did I want to experience THOSE things when there are so many other experiences HERE as well?

And, he stated getting more miffed, “WHY would I want to go dance with those people?  It’s not helping anyone!”

I pointed out that it MAY be helping people.  If it brings a smile to the face of a person who was down; if someone got to have this memorable experience of dancing like a goober for a video; if the people watching are filled with a sense of levity – even for a few minutes – then THAT is goodness.

At the same time, I reminded him that my goal is not JUST to travel and experience the joys.  I want to dive into the dark areas and bring help.  When I shared with him my old BHAG of coordinating charities with large corporate donors, and of bringing help to clinics, he softened a little bit.  Though he has been torn down and jaded by the last city we lived, there is still a gentle heart in him that also reaches out to the suffering, where he wants to bring help.

And I think he understands, I am not just running away.

Yet there is a good point to his question, and even my first I put to my friends – why am I not satisfied with finding those helpful situations here?  Perhaps it is the spirit of adventure – just wanting that backpack and no ties.  But it also is causing me to look around at options here!  What better way to start figuring out how to request an interview, or ask to video tape a person work, or begin learning basics about various forms of traditional medicine?!

I simply grabbed the yellow pages and began to write down companies that were of interest – everything from acupuncture and chiropractic, to farmers and fishers; from recycling and water purification for our salty ocean water, to the soup kitchen and the free health screening clinics.

Life is busy – and perhaps that is something else I am trying to “run” from.  How can one devote their day to being mentored about the history of Chinese teas, when one is tied to a desk and buried in paperwork and reports?

Time to un-bury myself and get back to those reports.  I just needed to “think out loud” for a little bit.